How Self-Compassion Gave One Man the Ability to Run Pain Free
A successful, hard-driving businessman found an unlikely remedy for lifelong pain: mind-body healing and a healthy dose of self-compassion. My client Nick used to dispense self-criticism like a pharmacist does medication. When the 44-year-old realized that the way he treated himself played a pivotal role in perpetuating his symptoms, they finally disappeared.
When we met, Nick acknowledged he was kind to others but felt at war with himself. The Australian, who agreed to share his story by first name, was trying to bully the pain away.
Nick suffered from crippling back pain, anxiety and migraines since he was a child. Doctors chalked it up to tight hamstrings, an explanation even a kid couldn’t believe. By his mid-twenties, Nick was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. For a few years, he was hit with chronic fatigue syndrome. He felt like he was stuck in quicksand and needed help with basic living.
Over the years, Nick’s symptoms would shape shift. By his thirties, he suffered from agonizing body pain and burning that left him unable to work, socialize, exercise or play music—everything he loved. He went to doctors, healers, physiotherapists, chiropractors and massage therapists. He did the diets, supplements, Mr. Miyagi’s energy techniques and more.
“I was devastated and in a very bad way physically and mentally,” says Nick. “I couldn't do any exercise or even lift a pot or pan because I would have back attacks that would leave me lying on the floor for weeks. My best friends became a wheat bag and a block of ice.”
In his mid-thirties, the determined Aussie discovered a doctor halfway around the world: John E. Sarno. A physician at New York University with four best-selling books on mind-body medicine, Sarno described how the brain induces physical symptoms due to repressed emotions. Sarno called this Tension Myositis Syndrome, TMS for short.
In his book “Unlearn Your Pain,” physician Howard Schubiner, one of Sarno’s successors in the field, explains how fear sensitizes pain pathways in the brain. In other words, fear of the symptoms keeps them alive. Fear and other threatening emotions can trigger a sustained flight or fight response, leading to a cascade of chronic symptoms that defy modern medicine.
After reading Sarno’s book, Nick got a burst of energy and started working in his garden! He dove into TMS education with a vengeance—reading every book, combing every website, and going to a handful of therapists. He saw himself in the “TMS personality” that Sarno described: perfectionistic, conscientious, people pleasers who hold in emotions. But Nick was still stuck in the stress-symptom cycle.
“I knew the cause of my pain and mental health issues, but I couldn't heal myself using Sarno's methods and other TMS books alone,” said Nick. “My back pain got worse and worse, and I could see myself falling away.”
When Nick reached out to me, he had a strong grasp of the TMS knowledge. He’d journaled. He’d explored his childhood traumas. He’d tried to ignore his symptoms and go on with his life. But he felt enraged when he couldn’t stop the pain.
Like many people with stress-related symptoms, Nick was intensely hard on himself. His brain was on red alert with self-recrimination. I acknowledged Nick’s suffering and suggested that he didn’t deserve an added layer of emotional suffering. While we couldn’t magically banish his symptoms, he didn’t need to endure his own disdain on top of that.
We talked about how the amygdala—the brain’s emotional hub— is like a scared and vulnerable child in need of reassurance. It will not stop crying when you tell it to shut up, grow up or go away. In other words, berating ourselves for our symptoms, or anything else, only increases them.
This struck home with Nick. We worked with mindful self-compassion and Kristin Neff’s self-compassion breaks, which dovetail with mind-body healing to create a sense of safety. We’re not trying to get rid of physical or emotional pain in this moment. Instead, we show ourselves kindness because we are suffering. Interestingly, as we learn to accept ourselves as we are, our nervous system calms down and so do the symptoms.
Day by day, Nick rewrote his inner dialogue. He started cheering himself on as he would a best mate! Soon, it would be time to hit the trail.
Running had been one of Nick’s favorite stress releases, but he gave it up 13 years prior due to pain. Nick said he would do anything to run again. I led him through a guided meditation in which he saw himself running with ease and joy.
“Rebecca led me through a great exercise to retrain the brain. I would imagine myself running and feel the pain come on and learn how to observe and react with love and kindness rather than fear and terror. We did this during our sessions, and I would also do it at home. Then I put it into practice and boy oh boy did the pain come on!”
As Nick started jogging, he describes his pain as off the charts. But he was convinced that nothing was physically wrong and he was ready to reclaim his life. As he ran through his favorite parklands, he tracked sensations in his body and repeated soothing messages to himself like: “I am safe. There is nothing to fear. I am not disappointed the pain is here. I love myself. Geez, I am awesome!”
Nick did this morning after morning, feeling pride for his PERSEVERANCE. Instead of seeing the pain as a failure, as he did previously, he focused on inner strength and a belief in himself.
“This would make me smile and bring joy. I would feel peace and a sense of calm in spite of the pain. At the end of my run, I would tell myself ‘I am so proud of you. Great job, well done! I just went for a run. This is so awesome! I love me. I am so proud of me.’ I would stand at the end of my run and soak it in, be present and really experience that moment.”
After his jogs, Nick reveled in the scent of eucalyptus trees and rose bushes in the morning dew. He became present to his breath and the living world around him.
After decades of suffering, Nick recounts the moment his pain turned off.
“On day nine of running, I sat at the end of the bed putting my socks on and thinking ‘Geez, I am in pain. Should I go running today?’ Then the doubts came and that little voice was getting louder. I took a deep breath and remembered all I had learned. I talked to my brain and boom the pain stopped and has never been back again.”
I don’t recommend that clients push through high pain levels, as that often backfires. But Nick had a high tolerance and a steely will. He chose his own adventure. Most importantly, he motivated himself through compassion rather than criticism, which made a seismic shift.
Now, Nick gets up at 5am to run! He’s also doing squats, stair runs and push-ups. Nick says there are many side benefits: He’s lost 45 pounds, his brain is clearer and he’s sleeping better than he has in years. I tell him he ought to be my personal trainer!
“When we started our work, I couldn't do any physical activities or exercise,” Nick explains. “I couldn't really bend over. I couldn't sit for long and when I did, I couldn't stand up straight afterwards. After a few months of working together, I started running and doing push-ups! I can't stress how much of a miracle this is. I now run three miles a day, six days a week.”
Nick did the work and the transformation happened inside him. When we get to the root of what ails us—stressful thoughts, repressed emotions and limiting behaviors—we can truly heal. Nick says his three keys were somatic tracking, learning to live in the present moment and self-compassion.
“Self-compassion was the missing piece. As I have been growing from our work, my body spoke to me, told me to be kind to myself, to care about myself, to stop the criticism and daily attacks. It’s a very tricky thing to do and takes a lot of practice to silence that inner critic. I have found in the midst of pain and suffering it’s best to be kind and loving to yourself with a focus on safety and remember that everything is going to be okay.”
Nick’s next goal is 100 pushups. I will not be joining him in that endeavor! Not only that, he’s also started playing music again and is leaving a business that drags him down to pursue other passions.